My Sewing Journey

This morning as I was looking for old photos of the outfits the girls were wearing yesterday, I began finding the pictures of my first sewing experiments.  And so I compiled a series of my little girls' dresses starting with my first dressing and going right up to the present!  It's pretty exciting for me to see the progress that's been made in the past two years!

The Zoo!

These are a few other pictures from yesterday's trip to the zoo.  We visited the lions..

But the girls are never all that impressed with the lions... all they do is lay around...

The bear, however, is a fan favorite.  He's in a huge enclosure but he always seems to be hanging out right next to the class, walking back and forth.

Then we paused at our favorite park to ride a dinosaur.

Here's Mae Bae.  Headed off to do her Mae Bae thing, which involves trying to sneak off and see if she can get into trouble before someone stops her.  It usually involves trying to climb something very tall and scary.

Yay!

And this is another outfit I'm happy to see being worn.  It was my first attempt at a pants and shirt combo!

The Giraffe

We've been trying to fit in as much fun family time as we can over break, before Paul disappears back into law school study mode for the majority of the time when school restarts, and so yesterday (which also happened to be the day Sadie was officially 3 1/2) we went to the zoo.  And Sadie got to feed a giraffe.

She was pretty excited.

And a close up of the excitement!

And yes, that's a dress I made her way back in the day as one of my first sewing projects!  More specifically it was my first sewing experiment without a pattern (all my princess dresses are made without patterns).

I think she'd like to take the giraffe home with us.

Now she's ready to take Daddy to go see the alligators.  The alligators that she was scared of and "didn't want to worry about" last time.  Those alligators.

There's so much to see!

The Christmas Dress

Here's the latest princess dress.  It's Sadie's main Christmas present from Paul and I.  Mae Bae's is halfway done and I'll be finishing it up in the coming days.

First, the fabric:

Satin sleeves:

Almost finished!

A Pearls and Lace Princess Dress

I just had to share a few of my favorite photos of one of my latest princess dresses.  When I made Sadie and Mae their new princess dresses, I also sewed one for another very special little girl.  I made her dress a little more fancy with the pearls, instead of the plain lace I did on Sadie and Mae's!  Here's a close up:

I just love how the rose satin turned out!

And here is the finished dress!

Sadie Meets Rapunzel

Here Sadie is, in the pink dress at the coloring table (which I was sooooo very thankful for) after about an hour of standing in line to see Rapunzel.  Daddy and Mae had gone to ride the train, but Sadie insisted we stand in line because she wasn't going home without seeing "Tangled."

Here she is with her autograph book, which was nearly full, as we approached the front of the line.  

The lady that worked with Rapunzel offered to hand Rapunzel the autograph book (so Sadie could run up and hug her), but Sadie was so preoccupied with her book that she gave it back to her and Sadie took it up to Rapunzel herself.

Ta-Dah!

She finally got to meet Rapunzel!

The Tree is Up!

Today we decorated the tree.  Sadie and Mae spent a large portion of the decorating time rounding up all the "jingle bells" that we had and putter them in the colander.

But slowly the ornaments went up.  Here's the one Sadie picked out at Disney World:

And here's Mae Bae's:

Me in kindergarten:

And the finished tree:

Not the Greatest Secret Keeper

I wanted to thank all of you for the helpful responses for dealing with our nighttime situation!  I'm going to have to read through them all a second time, when I'm not battling a flu that makes me want to hide under the covers and never come out.  However some of you started a great conversation about when to tell kids and people outside the immediate family when you're expecting and I thought it deserved it's very own post.

I've dreamt of being one of those pregnant women that can keep a secret for four or five months, joyfully revealing sonogram pictures and gender after the 20 week anatomy check.  But after three pregnancies, I've come to accept that no amount of wishing or hoping will make that a reality in our house.  

Here's the first reason.  Here's a picture of me at the beginning of the last pregnancy:

Here's a picture of my 10 week bump.  Yeah.  That's two and a half months.  You can see why making it to five is pretty impossible, if I'm leaving the house at all.

With Mae's pregnancy, at around seven weeks, I started getting "looks."  You know, the look when someone (in this case an 80 year old woman) looks down and stares at your stomach and then looks up with a knowing look that tells you that the gig is up.  Elderly women always know.  They've seen a lot of pregnancies and aren't fooled by the keep-it-a-secret tactics that first trimester moms may employ.  Unfortunately, Sadie is also a Bump Spotter, and she's always on the lookout.

The size of my babies don't help the issue.  You see, in order to look like this as you near the finish line, you have to be pretty gigantic by the end of the first trimester.  This is what nine plus pounds of baby looks like:

I'm not great at keeping my own secrets anyways.  Someone else's aren't a problem.  My own, especially not wonderful secrets like a new life, are hardly ever kept.  And after a few weeks of trying to hide pregnancy #3 until I was further along, I caved and told everyone.

In reality, there was no keeping it from Sadie.  Mae would have been a easy.  She hasn't seen the whole process before.  But if I look slightly rounder after a big meal, Sadie pats my stomach and says "Hi New Baby!"  So you can see how hiding a bump like the one in the second picture in this post, wouldn't have been possible unless I suddenly changed my wardrobe to sweats and baggy t-shirts.  And that would have gotten everyone I know talking.

I miscarried a month after picture #2 was taken.  The likelihood of miscarriage was around 1% at that point.  Honestly, there was no way that we could have kept the secret up until that point, even if we were better joyful-secret-keepers.

And so, while I'm always very, very impressed with women who can keep a secret for so long, I don't see myself being able to join their ranks anytime soon.

The other point that brought up, that I like very much in theory, was whether we could just change the subject when Sadie brings up her heavenly sibling.  I should mention first off  that the our little saint isn't a subject that we bring up.  But when she brings it up, changing the subject isn't really an option.  Anyone who has a three year old, likely knows what I'm talking about.

It's like the conversation we had about Snow White earlier.  Sadie saw the Snow White Christmas ornament and said: "Snow White, to da!" or something like that.  I asked her to repeat it, because usually I can make out what she's saying.  This time I couldn't.  So I said, "uh-huh" or "oh really?"  But she wasn't buying it.  The answer wasn't satisfactory.  And so she kept repeating it over and over again.    And I do want to make sure she feels like we're listening to her and there for her, especially on an issue that's apparently so upsetting and huge.

The thing is, she's this happy, joyful kid, talking about kid stuff almost all the time.  It's just between 7-10pm, in brief spurts, that she gets very upset and starts talking about the baby (or wakes up talking about the baby).  And so we're plodding on.  But I really appreciate that comments and suggestions and I know we'll be trying many of them to find out what is going to help her get through this.  Thank you all again!

Night Time Dreams

Poor Sadie's having a tough time right now.  I didn't really think that she'd remember or think about the baby as much as she does, but it's been coming up more and more recently.  Sometimes it's when she's awake, and that's usually not too bad.  For example, here's a bit from our conversation when we were walking out the door to Mass yesterday:

Me: "Guess who we're going to see?"
Sadie:  "Jesus!"  After a long pause.  "Will God be there?"
Me:  "Yes."
Sadie:  "Will the baby be there?"

Because I always tell her that the baby is in heaven with Jesus and Mary and so if Jesus is going to be at Mass, the obvious conclusion is that the baby might be there too...

But I can field those questions, although they make me want to hug her!  The nightmares are harder.

She's been waking up with nightmares 9 out of 10 nights.  And it's always the same.  I come rushing into the room after hearing her crying and hand Mae her pacifier (because Sadie screaming pretty much always wakes up her sister) and then go to talk to Sadie, who's sobbing, sometimes to the point of shaking.  I'll ask her why she's crying and the answer is always the same:  "The new baby."  And I'll ask her what she dreamed about the baby.  For the past few months the answer was always silence.

Tonight the answers were slightly different:

Me:  "Did you have a bad dream?"
Sadie:  "Yes!" (between sobs)
Me:  "What was it about?" (I've been hoping if we talked about the dream, and whatever it is she's dreaming, she might start to feel better about everything.  At least that's my hope.)
Sadie:  "Our baby!!!!"
Me:  "What happened in your dream?"
Sadie:  "The new baby went to heaven!!!!"  (more crying)
Me:  "The baby is in heaven sweetie, and the baby is really happy there.  Everybody's happy in heaven."  And she slips back to sleep.

We've talked about it a lot when she's brought up the baby.  We've talked about how the baby is safe and happy in heaven, how it's okay to feel sad, and how the baby is with Jesus, but nothing seems to make it any easier for her, and nothing changes the nightmares.

I guess it should get better with time?  I just wish there was something I could do to help her...

A Question on the Political Front

Okay, here's a quick question for anyone who knows the answer.

I liked Ron Paul in the debates I've seen far more than anyone else.

However I have two hang-ups.

First off, I've read that he advocates the use of the morning after pill, which, as we all know, prevents implantation.  If it's true, that pretty much puts him where Gingrich was before he backtracked a couple of weeks ago.

The second issue is the legalization on a state by state basis of marijuana.  Having already lived in a state where marijuana was virtually legal (you could buy a card, sick or not, for around $200) and having a daughter who was hospitalized because she's allergic to the smoke, means I have pretty strong opinions on the subject.  I've called the cops and had them say: "Sorry you're daughters in the hospital, but it's legal and there's nothing we can do." (to paraphrase my less than friendly conversation with the deputy that refused to even come to our apartment when it was pumped full of smoke from our neighbors).  So that point does make me hesitate, mostly because I have seen the real damage that can result in the basic legalization of drugs.

My second point is, is a hangup that will likely remain even if my first worry is answered, but my question is on the first point and I'll at least consider him if it were no longer true.

Has Ron Paul ever clarified the position that he took in his book on the use of pills to prevent implantation and in reality, cause abortions?  I was ready to not vote for Gingrich for that very reason, and that certainly would eliminate Paul for me.  If anyone has a link where he's changed his position I would really like to see it.

Anyways, I'm genuinely interested in the answer if anyone knows what it is!  I'd love to find something more recent than everything else I've read!

Prayers for Sly

You may have already seen this post, but I just stumbled across it and had to direct anyone who hasn't seen it to Christine's blog, so that you can all add your prayers.  A Catholic Mom Blogger, Christine and her son Sly were standing on the sidewalk waiting to cross the street when they were hit by a tractor-trailer.  Sly did survive being run over, but they definitely could use all the prayers and support we can give.

Not That Easy...

In the beginning this blog was a secret.

I told Paul about it after a few days of writing, but other than that I was silent.  I kept my other, Mommy-Blog, up for a while and tried to balance them both, but in the end this blog won out, because I felt like I could write about anything here, and on my other blog it was more of a baby-type journal.  This gave me a lot of freedom in what I posted, because I didn't have to worry about offending anyone that I knew in real life, which does pop into my head now before I post, as I weigh whether or not friends and acquaintances will be offended by what I've written.

On some topics it's probably fairly obvious that I don't care if my view offends some.  The truth is the truth.  Good is good and evil is evil.  Friends will have to accept that I am pro-life now and that I won't tiptoe around the subject here (even as I accept that some of my close friends are pro-choice and that we may never agree on the subject).

But when I cross into the realm of "my day" and "what's going on here" it becomes a little more hazy.

I might write something on my blog and see people I know in real life bristle when they see me, or worse, act strangely around people that I love (who are in no way accountable for what I write here).

Of course, I'm sure the last four plus months haven't helped.  I haven't been particularly sociable.  In fact, the idea of being social is pretty painful right now.  I've been riding along on the ups and downs that have followed the miscarriage and the experience has been more dramatic of late.

In the beginning it was almost easier.  I felt very much at peace and I was grateful for that peace.  Lately it's been more difficult.  It's hard not to think that I should be eight months along right now and I'm really dreading February 7th, which should have been my due date.  Paul has school that day and so crawling under the covers and not getting out of bed doesn't seem like an option.  So I guess it is true that it's a difficult time for those who have suffered the loss of a child or or who face the cross of infertility around the holidays (not that I doubted that it was true... I guess I just thought that somehow I'd miraculously sped through this part of the process).

I think that maybe the mourning part of the process was held off because I was so busy trying to find a doctor who'd believe me and help me those first three months.  I feel like I spent my time fighting for my life, and now that that is finally over I have time to think.  And I keep thinking about what happened in the hospital, especially now that the healthcare company is pretending not to have received the dispute that was discussed over the phone and that they received the next day, and have turned it over to a collection agency who insists I pay for being berated and left alone and ignored when I called for help, instead of being thankful that we haven't yet reported them to the state (next on my to-do list, now that I'm no longer busy not-dying because of their incompetence).

I worry, senselessly at this point, that we won't be able to have any more children as a result of the cruelty and incompetence at the hospital, and later from seeing Doctor H who thought I was making the whole thing up and handed me a pack of birth control pills (which my second OB said wouldn't have been a high enough dose to do anything) while making a crack about how he doubted he could convince me to take more than two months worth.  And I wonder how having "debris" in my uterus for over thee months, will affect any longed for future pregnancies.

Then I feel guilty for being so upset over that possibility, when I know so many beautiful families online and in real life, who struggle with the cross on infertility, and how we have already been so greatly blessed.  And I wonder if, having gone from being fairly terrified of becoming a mom, to accepting God's plan for marriage, to longing for the opportunity to be a mother to a large family, the next step might be accepting that this is it (and that thought pretty much makes me cry instantly, to let you know how I'm doing on the "accepting whatever comes along" front...).  I hope it's not, but it's something I'm trying to be open to accepting (again, I'd say I get a big F so far).  Sometime praying "not my will but yours" seems a bit easier than others.

And I know that all of this has affected my perception of Naples.  How maybe I would like it here quite a bit more if we'd arrived and none of this had happened, instead of driving around and seeing signs for the "wonderful" hospital everywhere.

Because I find myself making a list these days about things that  I don't like:  1) The fact that I can take my kids to the water park in December because it's still insufferably hot and frankly, I love winter.  2)  The fact that the entire area is strip mall after strip mall after strip mall as far as the eye can see and that you could visit this area for a week and literally never see a free standing house outside of a gated community.

The list goes on and on, although I try to drown it out by thinking that the birds are pretty, and that there are nice parks... and hey look, I saw another alligator (we're approaching 30!) sunning itself by the side of the freeway.  I did like the entire area between Naples and Orlando quite a bit more (we took a back road that Yahoo said was the "most direct", although by far the slowest...), with towns that felt (to me) more like towns than giant sprawling tan outdoor shopping areas.

Maybe I need to go back and reread my own post on suffering.  This too shall pass.  And hopefully I can have a more joyful attitude about it, instead of curling up on the couch in my snuggie (which I did last night) when I have two dozen things that need to be done in the next few days.  I'd like to be able to say "not my will but yours" and truly mean it on every level.

I think one of those things I'll be adding to my to do list will be the Nine Day Novena to Saint Philomena.  And maybe I'll throw in a Saint Gerard Novena too.

And for all of you who have read this far... thanks for putting up with my rambling.  I'm hoping it's out of my system now.