Saturday, December 17, 2011

Not That Easy...

In the beginning this blog was a secret.

I told Paul about it after a few days of writing, but other than that I was silent.  I kept my other, Mommy-Blog, up for a while and tried to balance them both, but in the end this blog won out, because I felt like I could write about anything here, and on my other blog it was more of a baby-type journal.  This gave me a lot of freedom in what I posted, because I didn't have to worry about offending anyone that I knew in real life, which does pop into my head now before I post, as I weigh whether or not friends and acquaintances will be offended by what I've written.

On some topics it's probably fairly obvious that I don't care if my view offends some.  The truth is the truth.  Good is good and evil is evil.  Friends will have to accept that I am pro-life now and that I won't tiptoe around the subject here (even as I accept that some of my close friends are pro-choice and that we may never agree on the subject).

But when I cross into the realm of "my day" and "what's going on here" it becomes a little more hazy.

I might write something on my blog and see people I know in real life bristle when they see me, or worse, act strangely around people that I love (who are in no way accountable for what I write here).

Of course, I'm sure the last four plus months haven't helped.  I haven't been particularly sociable.  In fact, the idea of being social is pretty painful right now.  I've been riding along on the ups and downs that have followed the miscarriage and the experience has been more dramatic of late.

In the beginning it was almost easier.  I felt very much at peace and I was grateful for that peace.  Lately it's been more difficult.  It's hard not to think that I should be eight months along right now and I'm really dreading February 7th, which should have been my due date.  Paul has school that day and so crawling under the covers and not getting out of bed doesn't seem like an option.  So I guess it is true that it's a difficult time for those who have suffered the loss of a child or or who face the cross of infertility around the holidays (not that I doubted that it was true... I guess I just thought that somehow I'd miraculously sped through this part of the process).

I think that maybe the mourning part of the process was held off because I was so busy trying to find a doctor who'd believe me and help me those first three months.  I feel like I spent my time fighting for my life, and now that that is finally over I have time to think.  And I keep thinking about what happened in the hospital, especially now that the healthcare company is pretending not to have received the dispute that was discussed over the phone and that they received the next day, and have turned it over to a collection agency who insists I pay for being berated and left alone and ignored when I called for help, instead of being thankful that we haven't yet reported them to the state (next on my to-do list, now that I'm no longer busy not-dying because of their incompetence).

I worry, senselessly at this point, that we won't be able to have any more children as a result of the cruelty and incompetence at the hospital, and later from seeing Doctor H who thought I was making the whole thing up and handed me a pack of birth control pills (which my second OB said wouldn't have been a high enough dose to do anything) while making a crack about how he doubted he could convince me to take more than two months worth.  And I wonder how having "debris" in my uterus for over thee months, will affect any longed for future pregnancies.

Then I feel guilty for being so upset over that possibility, when I know so many beautiful families online and in real life, who struggle with the cross on infertility, and how we have already been so greatly blessed.  And I wonder if, having gone from being fairly terrified of becoming a mom, to accepting God's plan for marriage, to longing for the opportunity to be a mother to a large family, the next step might be accepting that this is it (and that thought pretty much makes me cry instantly, to let you know how I'm doing on the "accepting whatever comes along" front...).  I hope it's not, but it's something I'm trying to be open to accepting (again, I'd say I get a big F so far).  Sometime praying "not my will but yours" seems a bit easier than others.

And I know that all of this has affected my perception of Naples.  How maybe I would like it here quite a bit more if we'd arrived and none of this had happened, instead of driving around and seeing signs for the "wonderful" hospital everywhere.

Because I find myself making a list these days about things that  I don't like:  1) The fact that I can take my kids to the water park in December because it's still insufferably hot and frankly, I love winter.  2)  The fact that the entire area is strip mall after strip mall after strip mall as far as the eye can see and that you could visit this area for a week and literally never see a free standing house outside of a gated community.

The list goes on and on, although I try to drown it out by thinking that the birds are pretty, and that there are nice parks... and hey look, I saw another alligator (we're approaching 30!) sunning itself by the side of the freeway.  I did like the entire area between Naples and Orlando quite a bit more (we took a back road that Yahoo said was the "most direct", although by far the slowest...), with towns that felt (to me) more like towns than giant sprawling tan outdoor shopping areas.

Maybe I need to go back and reread my own post on suffering.  This too shall pass.  And hopefully I can have a more joyful attitude about it, instead of curling up on the couch in my snuggie (which I did last night) when I have two dozen things that need to be done in the next few days.  I'd like to be able to say "not my will but yours" and truly mean it on every level.

I think one of those things I'll be adding to my to do list will be the Nine Day Novena to Saint Philomena.  And maybe I'll throw in a Saint Gerard Novena too.

And for all of you who have read this far... thanks for putting up with my rambling.  I'm hoping it's out of my system now.


  1. I'll be praying for you tonight at Mass. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

  2. Oh Cam, I'm so sorry. I also have a hard time accepting that "this is it" for me. Right now I'm in the anger phase, I think. Doing God's will is much harder than I ever expected it would be. I'll be praying for you.

  3. You're in my prayers. I will entrust your worries to Our Lady, may she ease your worries and help you through the tough days.

  4. As a woman who has suffered three miscarriages, I will be honest and say that the longing for that child, at least for me, never goes away completely, but the pain does heal. It will get better. Let yourself grieve and as time goes on, it becomes more bearable. People who have never been through it often do not get it. My sister in law told me it was better my baby died...and years later when I told her how hurtful that was she responded with "well, you are just too sensitive" and refused to apologize. Other people just do not know what to say or do, but they probably just feel badly about the situation. I have had to go through the whole probably not going to have more children scenario, and it is heartbreaking, so I do not really have advice on that once, except it is quite possible everything will be fine and you may have more children. Hang in there, grieve, but focus on the two sweet girls you have and it will get better. You are also dealing with the trauma of the hospital experience, and hopefully in time that part of it will heal as well.

  5. I will keep you in my prayers.

  6. Yes, losing a baby is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. Mother's day (the day I miscarried 2 years ago) is hard every year. The Baron and I had "the baby talk" again last night. I don't know if I'm ready to have another one because I'm so scared I'm going to loose this one too. But on the other hand I'm scared that I won't be a mother. I keep telling myself to Let God but that's so hard.

    Slowly things will get easier. At least lets hope it does for the two of us.

  7. Hugs and Prayers. I had a miscarriage on Christmas Day, 2003, and while the sorrow never totally goes away, time does heal the pain.
    Try not to worry about your future fertility. the body has an amazing ability to heal itself. Fertility is a funny thing, totally unpredictable and it is too soon after the m/c to be thinking "this is it", although I can definitely understand the worry and pain.

  8. I feel for you Cam I am only 23 but I have endometriosis which may impact my future fertility if the disease progresses. I want more than anything to have children of my own, but I realized that even if I cannot have my own I will adopt. I know that families are built through many ways and if its God's plan I will take it in stride.

  9. Death of any family member is hard, especially that of your own child. We build such castles in the sky for them, hoping, dreaming and it is with desolation we find in ourselves when those dreams, once so sweet, crash to the ground. I was not as far along as you when I had my miscarriage but I can say I was devistated. I wish our culture still used the black arm bands of a century ago that would let those around us know we were in mourning and to treat us gently in our time of grief.

  10. Hugs and prayers coming your way!

    On a practical note, I would waste no time reporting the terrible care you received to whatever agency is responsible, and would also consider a sternly worded letter indicating the distinct possibility of legal action if the harassment is not stopped immediately. I bet you know someone who can help with that. ;)

    I know what you mean about heat at Christmastime in south Florida. Remember, though, that this is a temporary situation that you chose because you both believed it to be the best school for your particular situation; you won't have to live there but for a few years.

    Don't get too worried about fertility yet; you're in good hands now, young, and the body can and does often heal itself to an amazing degree. And yes, you have been doubly blessed already; try to keep those precious gifts in mind.

    God bless and chin up!!!


  11. Cam:

    I think this is what blogging is all about in some respect. It is writing what is on your heart, and letting God do with that, what He will.

    I can't imagine what you have gone through in the last few months, but I think that we need to let God work in the way that He wants to. So often we try and make sense of things that we cant understand until we have gone through the entire process.

    Remain in prayer, and let God speak to you.

  12. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear child, Cam. You are probably right - the grief is just now hitting you since life is slowing down. My heart aches for you. Please know I will be praying for you - and anytime you want to talk, I'm here.

    I hope Naples grows on is a very strange place to live, that's true, but it has its own kind of charm. Even if you never like it here, I'm happy at least that you came, because I am so grateful we met!!

  13. I just realized in the last comment I left you, it was probably not what you needed to hear. So sorry, my tired brain isn't working very well. I know what it's like to wonder if you will be able to have kids again. It can be so tough, even if it was voluntary (like when I decided to marry my husband anyways). I think it is even harder when you are surprised by it, like a lot of people when they are married and find out or in your case where you are worried because of all the bad hospital neglect, etc. I hope your worries are just that, worries, and that you can have a lot more kids. I guess only time will tell. Give yourself permission to grieve. I have certainly been doing a lot of it myself as I wait to adopt another child and nothing ever seems to happen. Waiting and not knowing is super, super difficult (at least for me!). I'll be praying that you be blessed with another child very soon. Hugs, Maria

  14. My grandmother lived near Naples for many years. I loved taking my kids to the aquarium when we visited; Grandma always just called it the Mote, and I don't recall the actual name. There was also an exotic bird park and garden where they took in unwanted birds and did a bird show with the ones who were willing to play the games. It is fun to visit that area, but I can relate to not wanting to live there long term. Some of us are winter people.

    I'm sorry for your loss and that so many medical persons failed you so utterly. I lost one of my twins after 5 months gestation and that was so difficult! Also difficult was knowing that there was something there at the birth that hubby saw but that the doctor did not want me to see and only recently did my husband tell me about it.

    Then I miscarried the next pregnancy very early. The grief is not easy at all and I hope that the time will come when I can think on those losses without crying, but with the one twin past age 2 I still am grieving the loss of the other. Somehow the other miscarriage was easier, most likely because I felt something was quite wrong and was able to give an emotional assent to the baby moving on to heaven if that was for the best; it was just one of those odd things where I could FEEL that the child was suffering and I was able to say to my pregnancy that if heaven was better for this child than a life here, then I could accept it.

    It is a difficult thing to want them so badly and lose them.

    At least with the good NFP doctor your chances of a future pregnancy are higher. Napro technology can do so much to work with the body and with a good doctor to work with you on it, your odds are as good as it can be. I'll be praying for your healing.

    My grandmother lived very nearly to her 102nd birthday and she swore by lots of fresh citrus fruit every day and long walks for health. So if you can, buy bags of oranges and enjoy. I think my grandmother considered fresh citrus to be the elixir of health-- considering how she danced her descendants into exhaustion on her 90th birthday, she might have been correct.

  15. First, let me say, I completely understand about being concerned with not offending people. There are books I could have posted by now but I know the drama they would cause would probably not be worth it.
    Second, I've never been in your place, but I have heard the time when the baby would have been due can be very difficult. Might I suggest offering a Mass on February 7th and taking your girls to Mass that day? I don't know, but maybe it would help. I'm sorry, I don't remember, but did you ever name the little one?
    Third, no worries about rambling. I think it is one of the requirements of motherhood.
    Fourth, having been a native New Yorker who lived in South Florida for over a decade, there were many things I hated. But let me help you out with a couple of the things I do miss: the sunrises and sunsets are beautiful!, in all the world I've never found a better food store than Publix - I still miss their subs, Disney World - I know you were there recently and know what I am talking about, Water Parks and pools....Any anyone else would like to add?

  16. Praying for you. We must all go through a period of suffering at some point or another, and God gives us these to make us stronger. You are certainly in my prayers. I hope you feel better soon.

  17. I'll be praying for you and your heart's healing.

  18. I have not been where you are now, and I don't ever wish that on anyone. when I hear of other mother's losing their baby, my heart breaks. I always offer every mass for those who have lost. I can't imagine how hard it is. I do know the the power of faith in Jesus. One of my most dearest Saints is St Faustina. She gave us the most simplest of words to have faith in "Jesus I trust in you". I struggle so much (not sure why) to believe with my heart "not my will but yours". Instead, probably because I cannot wrap my mind around His will when it seems so uncertain, I know I can put my full faith in St. Faustina's words "Jesus I trust in You." Because this much I do know, I DO trust in Him. He has never forgotten me no matter what I do or don't do. This becomes my mantra several times through out a day. I take great comfort in knowing I can run to Him, lay down my stress and need to control things and simply say, "Jesus I trust in You."


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