The afternoon had been perfectly normal up to that point, but I've also been expecting tantrums lately because we started a probiotic a week ago and saw an instant increase in tantrums (from basically none to twice a day) as her little tummy has adjusted to this new addition to her supplements. I've been clinging to my book which says that reactions to probiotics usually clear up after one to two weeks and we seem to be heading in that direction with each day being a little bit better than the last.
Still, I wasn't prepared for the intense sorrow of this tantrum. She was so, so very sad. Mae had fallen asleep on the floor and taken a nap while I was reading to the kids to pass the freezing cold afternoon. She woke up in hysterics.
"Do you want a bath?" I asked her through the sobs, not expecting a response, just hoping that it would help. We've started doing epsom salt baths in the afternoons and she loves pretending to be a mermaid in the tub.
She stopped crying for a moment to watch me pour the salts into the bath, but after about five minutes in the tub the sobbing and shaking took over and I carefully picked her up and took her into her room to get her dressed.
Once she was dressed I watched her for a moment, feeling helpless. She pressed her face against the cool wall and wept and somehow, in that moment, I felt like it all was beginning to make sense. Or at least, I hoped that the sense that I was attempting to wrestle from our afternoon of tears was actually true, because if it was I might, in some small way, be able to help.
I'd read two posts this past week and as I lay on her bare mattress next to her and she pulled her heavy down comforter up to her chin and tried to disappear in the crack between the bed and the wall, they came back to me. The first post was on a new blog I just discovered called Autism Chick, and the blogger talks about her understanding of what a young man who's overwhelmed is going through while being forced to go into the gym at school (although that description falls so short of doing the post justice and I'd definitely suggest clicking on the link to read it). The second post was by Jess at Diary of a Mom and her description of an experience with her daughter that she shared earlier this week came back to me as I lay there, trying to comfort Mae and do something, anything that might help.
At some point, after almost compulsively trying to comfort her with words a half dozen times, I began to realize that any time I spoke, or moved, or made the tiniest sound the sobs would intensify.
She began to calm down, laying on her back looking at one of my hands, while clutching the other hand tightly. I made my hand movement copy hers, since she loves it when I imitate her, and she almost smiled. She made shapes with her hands and I copied them. Then she touched the wall lightly. I copied the movement but my big, clumsy had made a tiny patting sound and she looked at it, horrified, and began to sob again.
And so that was how I found myself laying there, attempting to be perfectly still, while she clung to my hand and I waited for the moment to pass and it was in that moment that I found myself grateful for her diagnosis.
You see, before I'd began reading everything I could find about autism, I would have been frustrated. After an hour of screaming I would have been at wits end. I would have wondered why she wasn't outgrowing tantrums. I wouldn't have even begun to attempt to understand what was going on in her little overwhelmed body. Instead I felt my heart breaking at her struggle, but I was also thankful that I could be there with her, even if the best support I could give her was my silent presence.
In the beginning people asked me why I thought we needed a diagnosis. They said that it was just a word that wouldn't change anything. At first I disagreed on a basic level, because of the therapy options that became available the moment the test results came back. But it's more than just therapy options. By learning and reading and gaining a tiny picture of understanding of what she's experiencing I find myself in a position to be there that I'm not sure I would be in if we didn't have that one little word that "labels" my three year old.
|Cuddles with Daddy.|
She strips the sheets of her bed so it's a bare white mattress. Everything is cleared away so it's just a mattress, the walls, her favorite two heavy blankets and a few of her favorite stuffed animals that sometimes make the cut and get to sleep with her. Compared to Sadie's cheerfully pink half of the room it's bothered me in the past (especially the insisted upon bare mattress). To my eyes it sometimes look dreary. A part of me wants to brighten it and straighten it and make it fit my definition of a pretty little girls room.
But now? Now it's beginning to make sense. It's a refuge when the rest of the world is overwhelming. She flees to its simplicity and it helps calm her.
After an hour I stretched my leg a tiny bit and it brushed her Pinkie Pie doll that was laying at the end of the bed. The doll began to say "I'm Pinkie Pie!" in a voice that filled the room. I winced. She sprang up and grabbed the doll. She stared at it for a long moment, her face serious. The moment stretched on. I waited for the tears. She pressed the button again and I found myself pondering her love of all thing's Pinkie Pie lately, and how Pinkie Pie with her love of parties and meeting new people is about as far from the part of the spectrum that we're hanging around on as one can possibly be.
Then she stood up and smiled and started to bounce.
|Finally asleep cuddled up to our sister.|
We went downstairs and had dinner. She climbed on Daddy's chair and hugged him around the neck. She raced around the house with Patrick. She fell asleep holding her big sister's hand on the couch, the tears seeming already like a distant memory. But the feeling of thankfulness stayed with me.
I am thankful that I was able to be there, helpless to do anything though I was, while she clung to my fingers and processed whatever it was that was overwhelming her.
I find myself realizing more and more these days that just being there is sometimes far more important than anything I could do to try to make things better. I may not be able to fix everything, but I can simply stay by her side and wait for the storm to pass.