|Despite this cute smile I snapped,|
she was actually worrying quite a bit
because she could tell something just
Throughout the pregnancy I wondered if the trade off would reverse itself after Patrick was born and sometimes I was even bold enough to hope that both would disappear... especially after reading that asthma that begins during pregnancy usually disappears after the baby is born.
Alas (can you tell I'm feeling dramatic this morning... I think that's a side effect of last night... and the night before...) no such luck. I got to keep them both. Figuring out my migraine triggers (large amounts of candy or soda, caffeine, nitrates and especially aspartame) reduced the migraines... but apparently didn't get rid of them altogether.
Last night I found myself curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor next to Patrick's bassinet, wondering if this is what a stroke feels like. It felt like one of my aspartame triggered headaches, which usually happens when I don't realize that something is "diet", although I've become quite vigilant about checking labels. The right side of my face went numb, including my tongue. I'd begun slurring my words while reading to Sadie (always a sign a migraine is imminent). And then there was the pain.
Apparently my head was only numb on the outside because the inside felt like it had been hit with a sledge hammer. So I lay on the floor next to the bassinet and pulled myself up to put Patrick's pacifier in his mouth when he started to fuss, and tried not to get sick, and then somehow got the girls changed and into their beds before stumbling into the bathroom and taking two of the last tylenol sleep pills that we have (note to self: Buy more! Soon!), which were not to sleep, because I had orders to get out, but which have diphenhydramine in them, just in case this was some kind of an allergic reaction.
Then I lay down next to the bassinet again and waited. Half an hour later the migraine began to ebb. Within an hour it was gone. That makes it an allergy triggered migraine.
|Whereas Patrick's little frown illustrates|
much more clearly my attitude last night...
Whatever. <-- i="i">Can you just feel the contempt for those studies radiating from that whatever? Because I just don't buy it...-->
But I do know that while laying on the kitchen floor and wondering why migraine symptoms have to be so like stroke like symptoms sometimes, and whether it was a stroke and Paul was going to come home and find me dead on the kitchen floor from the stroke that I thought was a migraine, I was also able to ponder how much I stink at suffering (that's probably why all of Calah's posts on the same subject resonate with me). I think I've been able to joyously embrace physical suffering like... one time... since I was introduced to the idea of "offering it up" six or seven years ago. And that one time definitely felt like grace pouring in from somewhere else and not really like suffering at all...
No... I'm only a fan of the value of suffering from afar. I like the idea in theory. I always think that this next time I'll be awesome at this particular heroic virtue and it'll be grand. Then a migraine hits and if I manage to pray it's a flimsy little "okay I'm offering this up BUT PLEASE JUST TAKE THIS THING AWAY!!!!" which probably isn't worth all that much anyway because it sounds as whiny in my head as it does when I'm typing it out.
So yeah... something to work on... baby steps... baby steps...